Saturday, November 24, 2012

In Defense of Niceness

Annie over at Knitsofacto has generated a mini-storm of comments with her latest post, in one paragraph of which she quotes a professional blogger who describes what most of us do as "mere vanity blogging".

(Are your hackles rising? Hop over to Annie's blog to read the excellent post, its many responses, and, if you like, to join the discussion politely raging there.)

So what are we doing here in Blogtopia, we amateur bloggers and crafters and cyclists and cooks, we dilettante poets and photographers? Vainly strutting our stuff? Participating in a massive worldwide session of self-indulgent puff? Perhaps - but I much prefer Annie's kinder and wonderfully descriptive term: "artful blogging". (Some of her commenters went on to call it "friendship blogging" - equally appropriate, equally delightful.)

Blogging is an outlet for expression and creativity, for things we can't always say or do in our workaday "real" life. But connection, even more than creativity, seems to be what drives us most. We blog because we want to connect. We blog because we want to share some of the good and beautiful things that come our way. We blog because we're happy - and sometimes because we're sad, or in pain. We blog to find friends, and to be friends.

One of the ways we demonstrate friendship is by visiting the blogs of others and leaving comments - which leads me to one of the comments on Annie's post, in which an anonymous writer states, "The blogging world is artificially nice"*.

Yes, the blogging world can be artificially nice - in the same way that many real-world human interactions are. Let's face it - niceness, whether artificial or genuine, is the grease to the wheels of society. It makes things smoother, quieter, and more pleasant to be around. I don't say this to condone lying, online or off, but rather to show that the blogging world is EXACTLY like the "real" world - full of polite falsehoods (with some sincere compliments), and shallow enthusiasms (but also some that are deeply genuine).

In the blogging world, we have the inestimable advantage of being able to audit what we say - to smooth over the rough edges of our speech - to think not only before we speak, but during, and after. We can polish and tweak our comments, our blog posts - no one will see them until we hit the "publish" button. (Would that we could do that in our real-life conversations!)

Is this artificiality, or a form of self-control? Maybe a little of both - but surely self-control is no bad thing. I particularly appreciate this aspect of blogging because - dirty laundry moment! - in "real" life I have a dreadfully sharp and sarcastic sense of humour. It's so easy to let fly with a remark that I think is funny, only to find that I've unintentionally wounded someone. For this reason, I love being able to temper my virtual conversations, and mull over what I say before I really say it. Call it artificiality if you like - I think of it more as aspiring to be the person I ought to be.

The view from my driveway isn't always this good -
but I'd rather have you see it when it's beautiful
than when it's not.

As for the gooey form of "niceness" which consists of gushing insincerity, let us away with it! I do think comments ought to be generally positive - after all, if you don't like what someone makes (or writes or photographs), it really doesn't help to say so, unless they've asked for your considered opinion. But can't we be both honest AND kind? We can always find something to compliment -  a colour, a phrase, a button, a detail. Or we can simply not comment at all. (As our mothers used to tell us: if you can't find anything nice to say, then don't say anything. Not a bad rule, as it goes.**)

What do you think? Are we kidding ourselves and others with our bloggy niceness? (And would we be able to admit it if we were?)

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*Please don't think I am holding Anonymous up to ridicule here. Rather his/her words sparked a train of thought which I am indulging in this post. Here are Anonymous's words in context: "The blogging world is artificially nice where in reality the online world is vicious the people are still the same though. They are in some cases just projecting differently as they may have an online personna themselves." Very true.

** If we simply can't stomach what someone has said, and feel that we must speak out, of course we should do so - but we stand a much better chance of making our point if we speak politely. Which of course you know already. :)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

40 comments:

  1. I have no problem at all with niceness...artful or heartfelt (of course!!). I'm of the if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything kind of person in general...although as I get older I get bolder. But aside from that, in the blog world I figure every woman behind the words is a real-life woman like me and if she puts the time into creating a blog post then if I'm going to say anything, it's darn well going to be nice!! Nobody forces me to read her words or look at her pictures. I do it because I connect in some way with her thoughts and probably love her photography. I've sort of taken a commenting sabbatical over the last few months but now that I read this, I'm going to be a better commenter. :)

    And, I'll say this about the "false" world some say others portray. Duh!! I don't read Elle Decor or Country Living to see peoples mess!! I want to be inspired! I don't feel inadequate when I see "perfect" living rooms...we all pick up when company is coming over, right?? LOL!!!

    Anyway, being nice is showing courtesy and appreciation and that won't ever be bad in my book!! :)

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    1. Laura! So nice to hear from you again - I thought of you a few days ago and wondered how life was treating you.

      "We all pick up when company is coming over" - that's PERFECT. Also "being nice is showing courtesy and appreciation". You're absolutely right. Thanks for weighing in. :)

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  2. I don't put much stock in what a pro-blogger says. Look at the vanity oozing out of his remarks.

    Then again, yes, there's vanity involved in blogging. There has to be a little bit, I think. I won't lie. I am pretty vain. I think what I have blogged about was awesome. Don't we bloggers think our stuff is awesome? If not why are we blogging about it? I like kudos, happy comments and cyber high fives. I like getting followers. Who doesn't? Vain, vain, vain. (shrug). So is a pro-blogger and probably even more so cuz he/she made pro.

    There's artful blogging, friendly blogging, cliche blogging, mommy blogging, weird blogging, pretentious blogging (I was accused once of being pretentious by an anonymous ).

    There's fun blogging. When it's no longer fun, that's when I move on to something else.

    Terrific, thoughtful post. I can't wait to read other responses.

    P.S. I've never felt that any of your wonderful, kind, comments was anything but sincere, Sue, and I thank you for that.

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    1. Your other blog was totally awesome, and I still miss it. (Any chance of a resurrection?) But I'm so glad you're keeping up with the poetry.

      Good point about all the different kinds of blogging - I started out to have a frugality-themed blog, and ended up with a kind of mishmash. (I think we tend to take colour from the people we hang out with, in Blogland as in real life, and I know I've picked up on some things from other bloggers.) But it's a happy mishmash, I'm having fun with it, and in some strange way it keeps me accountable, as well as in touch. So I keep on keeping on.

      Thanks for your insights. I always like to hear from you, because you never comment unless you have something worth saying. :)

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    2. If you ever have guest crochet bloggers, I'll volunteer to be one. : ) Crochet snow man jar tutorial? Round popcorn stitch pillow tute?

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  3. What a beautiful photo of sunset from your driveway, Sue!
    Yes, I saw that Annie's interesting posting from Knitsofacto had stirred up a lot of feelings! It also gave me the opportunity to ask myself why I do blog, why I love visiting others and leaving (positive and sincere) remarks on blogs. I do tend to agree with what has been said: "If you can't find anything nice to say, then don't say anything!"
    However, sometimes when I read some critical comments left on blogs, I feel like sticking up for the blog owner and have to bite my tongue, or rather, stop my hands on the keyboard not to enter into the argument. Only once did I say something about an impolite commentator (on someone else's blog, for goodness sake!) and my remark was removed to keep the peace! Haha! A good lesson learnt! I actually should have sent a private mail to the blog owner - much more discreet!

    I really enjoy visiting my blogging friends and seeing all their postings brings joy into my day. I also like to leave a little comment to show my appreciation as I know how nice it is to see friendly comments!
    Have a lovely day and I for one enjoy your blog and don't mind what your reasons are for doing so! Sandra

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    1. That photo was from Thanksgiving Day - and I'm always thankful for a beautiful sunset like that one.

      I've found myself jumping to another blogger's defense as well - in regards to some technical details particular to her craft, which were criticized by a commenter - and had to laugh at myself afterwards. I was taking it a bit too seriously, and also forgetting that the blogger in question is a grown woman who can handle any criticism all by herself.

      Just goes to show how involved we get in each others' lives, even if we've never met! And that's a good thing, I think.

      Thanks, Sandra. :)

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    2. This is my first time ever replying to a reply by someone other than me, but I couldn't resist; please forgive me!

      I think it's awesome when someone wants to jump to the defense of someone else. Maybe it's the big sister in me, but I think that's just as much part of the blogging friendship as the commenting. Being loyal to someone, trying to be sensitive to the needs and feelings of someone else, trying to protect someone from being hurt or bolster them after they've been hurt.

      I see absolutely nothing vain about that! Thank you, Sandra and Sue, for these comments. And for your post, Sue!

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  4. Oh my goodness, what a hornets nest this topic is Sue!!
    I haven't been over to see Annies' post .....yet!
    I blog to connect, to share, to find inspiration, to get feedback and because I always wanted penfriends as a child and now I have so many and I don't have to wait for weeks for letters containing all the news and it's 'armchair' travelling of the best sort.
    I always like to be encouraging and positive in my comments and if it's not something I agree with or like, I won't comment at all......
    I think life's too short to worry about such non issues,.......I've got to get the ironing done.

    Claire :}


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    1. You're right on all counts, Claire. And life IS too short to worry about these things. This was one of those cases where I had so many thoughts boiling up I had to get them out and onto ... if not paper, then screen. Another benefit of blogging!

      P.S. How was the ironing? :)

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  5. All I can say is "hear hear" Mrs. M, I have just commented over at Annie's blog and the honest truth of it all is why do we have to justify our blogging to anyone? I can get upset, angry and fed up all at once and then I take a deep breath and think of all the great friendships I have made, the real life bloggers I have met and my constant inspiration from wonderful like minded women and that's just the beginning. I do sometimes question why I blog and then end up not bothering to think too hard about it. If it gives me a little creative outlet then I am happy, the fact that people comment is great and I love the conversation and am more than happy for people to be honest with me. I like to comment with encouragement and wonderment at what people do and make and I love to see a little of the personality behind the creativity, its what makes us human and that's what I am after!
    Great post Sue, you put this so eloquently I think if I ever have to justify blogging I'll be quoting your's and Annie's posts xox Have a great week ahead. P x

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    1. ps. I love a little bit of sharp sarcastic humour :o)

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    2. Gosh, I'm so glad somebody does ... (love sarcastic humour I mean) ... here in the American Midwest there's an awful lot of that NICENESS going around and sometimes people just don't get my drift! :)

      And amen to everything you said. Have a great week yourself. :)

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  6. *Loved* this post Sue :D And I'm with Penelope, a sharp sarcastic wit is not such a bad thing ;)

    As for the comment from Anonymous, to be honest I found the reference to niceness confusing, it seemed off topic somehow - I think this bit threw me, "Never believe a person who tells you they are nice" - so I'm glad you've picked it up. (I don't think I know anyone who goes around telling people they're nice!)

    I was brought up on Thumper's maxim, and I certainly don't believe it's insincere to choose to praise the aspect/s of a thing you do admire even if you have doubts about other elements, as you say, that kind of consideration is what keeps the world turning.

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    1. I did wonder if Anonymous had a particular bone to pick....

      I originally set out to reply to YOUR reply to Anonymous, when I realized that I had so much to say I may as well make a post of it, and take up my own space instead of yours.

      Thanks for always giving us something good to chew on (and jaw about). :)

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    2. Replying to a reply again... Thank you for writing your own post (as well as commenting, which I'm sure you did). This has been good food for thought, and I probably wouldn't have seen the original post if you hadn't responded here, especially with the holidays and moving and other stuff...

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  7. TOO many great Topics here! No fair!!!! -grin-

    I was one of those... We blog for "Friendship" and "Making Contact" kind of commenters, in her blog. I don't sell anything. (I don't like blogs which do, to be honest. See I am not always NICE.) I have fun taking pics, so I post pics. I like to get peeks into my Dear Reader's lives, so I give peeks into my life.

    I think I understand what was meant by "tooooo-gooooey-niceness." I see it. I sound that way myself, at times. But if something just *knocks my socks off,* I say so. If that's *toooooo-tooooooo* for some people, then that's too bad.<--See, I am not always nice. -gigggles-

    Personas! Of course (a lot of us) have different personas which we only show, in the appropriate places on the Net. Of course! If I was commenting in a political discussion Net site, I'd not sound like, the same "Auntie" who comments in Pretty Blog Land. Or if I was commenting in a Military Blog, I'd NOT sound like , the same "Auntie" who comments in Pretty Blog Land. -chuckle-

    But, where is it written, that I can't have different interests?!? I love warm, cozy, pretty... And I indulge in it, in Pretty Blog Land.

    I have other interests too, and I can indulge in them, in other places.

    What's the problem???

    Oooops, I probably got off on a different tangent. Sorry. But like I said, this post of yours, really is so fulllllllll of discussion points. :-) Thank you!

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    1. I know you're not always "nice", Auntie - and that's okay. (I don't mean you're sometimes rude, I just mean that you are willing to open up and say what you think, even though you know people might disagree. And I'm glad when you do.)

      That's a very good point you make about personas - we ARE different things to different people. There's a time and a place for everything - and here, I hope, is a place for friendship, and occasional friendly grappling with small issues like these, before we head back to the usual "pretty" and "nice" which we all enjoy so much.

      Thanks for commenting - always! :)

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  8. Sue, I read Annie's post with great interest. I love to blog and feel I am connecting with people I really care about, but then sometimes I wonder if it is really real...I mean we really don't know much about the people we blog with, just the surface they show us. Because these are our blogging friends, we share what we want, I guess that is the way it is with real friendship, too. But blogging friendship is on a different level, if a blogging friend stops blogging then I feel in limbo...what happened to them? Are they okay? I have invested time and energy in this virtual friendship and then I may never know what has happened. I can't drive over to their house and get them to talk. So blogging while I really love it is an interesting thing to me. And I agree with you, I think it is nice to find something lovely to say about people lives, family, creations. I mean they are proud of what they are presenting, I think it deserves a positive response.
    Hugs to you,
    Meredith

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    1. You're right about the nebulous nature of online friendships. It is disturbing when a blogging friend disappears, so to speak - though there's usually an e-mail channel still open - and I've found that sending someone an e-mail can really make their day if they're having a rough time.

      You are such an appreciative reader, and your comments are always so positive and sweet. Thank you. :)

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  9. So much to think about here and with Annie's post too. I blog, mostly, for my own pleasure and to share things which I am proud of or which I'd like to hear other people's thoughts - I learn so much that way. And yes it does tickle my vanity if people like it too. But just in the same way that I hope I can provide positive, and constructive feedback, on other's makes. And, yes, I completely agree that if you don't have anything nice to say you shouldn't say anything, but it is extremely rare not to be able to find something helpful to say even when another's taste is different to yours. Juliex

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    1. Thanks, Julie. I always think your blog will be a wonderful family record when your children are grown - so many little moments are captured there that might otherwise be forgotten. And your lovely quilts too - one day you'll go back and read old posts and think, "Gosh, I made that? It's really not bad!" :)

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  10. I read Annie's post too and had a good think about it. I think the point the 'professional blogger' has missed is that people write and read blogs for all sorts of reasons. It's very personal. And personally, while I may *glance* at professional-type blogs I don't *enjoy* them, and I don't look forward to a new post or get excited about one.

    As for niceness and the picturesque front we put on our lives, well, who wants to dwell on the negatives? I'm here to share people's enthusiasms and appreciate things. I do that in real life too but real life is messy, with unexpected problems and difficult personalities to deal with and a tonne of housework to do :-D. When I look around my house I see clutter and untidiness and quite epic quantities of plastic toy tat, but I doesn't mean I don't also focus on the beautiful bits - the shape of the banisters, the freesias in a jug on my kitchen window, a lit candle in a pot on the piano. The point is this isn't a conscious choice to see these things - it's an automatic filtering out of the clutter and an appreciation of the beautiful, and that's how I regard blogs. It's not 'fake' to show a pretty picture of something in your life, it's an appreciation that those things are there all along. Ooops, Pollyanna moment :-D.

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    1. In all this talk about pro blogs, I realized that I don't read any. I suppose I must have found a recipe or two on some cooking blogs, but as for having them on my reading list - they simply aren't there.

      I love what you say about focussing on the beautiful bits in your house - filtering out the clutter, and appreciating the beauty that is always there. I think that's a common thread in artful blogs and bloggers. :)

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  11. I blog for many reasons, as a diary for me, a bit of a journal, info for our far flung family, to connect with others who share similar interests, because it makes me happy.
    Are we artificially nice in our comments? Obviously some of us aren't I've read some rather nasty comments. As for me I follow my Mother's advice and if I can't say something nice I say nothing at all, after all, it's not my blog, that's where my opinion belongs.

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    1. Amen to that! And I don't think blogging is any more or less artificial than real-world life. We are what we are, and we carry it with us into Blogtopia. But I'm glad to have met you here. :)

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  12. I am with Meredith. I often wonder. Would the person I like because of the bits she shows to me in her blog really be that nice if I met her? Can written words give a totally wrong impression? I read some blogs for a while but found out that they didn't mean anything to me. So I stopped reading them. But there are some (and yours amongst them) that I love to read and I feel deep in my heart that it would be nice to meet you in real life.

    I don't think that people want to brag about what they have made, accomplished or their lives. They want to share their joy and pride of what they have made and how they manage their lives in a creative way too. I feel honored that they show me.

    I am a nice person by the way. I try not to hurt anyones feelings. I think (too much probabely) before I speak so what I say is not different from what I write. I like to cheer people up (which is not very Swiss. We focus on the weaknesses and flaws, the downside).

    And last but not least. Humor is a cultural thing, as is irony and sarcasme. I'm only sarcastic around people I know well and feel confident with. On the other hand I often laugh and nobody can see why.

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    1. Thank you so much, Regula - "I feel deep in my heart that it would be nice to meet you in real life". The people we hang out with in Blogland are the people we would like to hang out with in real life.

      Your comment about the Swiss made me laugh - a tendency to negative criticism doesn't seem compatible with a history of neutrality. But perhaps focussing on the weaknesses and flaws allows you (as a nation) to realize that no one side is ever entirely right. :)

      A very good point about humour being a cultural thing. Sometimes I'm the only one laughing too. :)

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  13. I find that I am much more MYSELF in my comments than I am in the posts that I write. I want to be more sarcastic about life on my blog but this is what stops me from doing so: one of my audience sources showed that someone had typed in "an oasis of peace and beauty" and landed up on my blog. Well. I have to live up to that, don't I?

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    1. Oh dear. That IS something to live up to.

      But go ahead and be sarcastic if you like - some of us will appreciate it! :)

      Thanks, Kay.

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  14. Sue, I thoroughly enjoyed your post. I also read Annie's post and commented. I blog because I enjoy writing down the events in my life and because I truly enjoy the other bloggers' comments. I love being a part of the blogging family and I try to make my comments kind. I have defended a fellow blogger because some person made really rude comments about one of her posts. But the worst I said was that if he/she didn't like the blog and what was posted that day, he/she didn't have to read it. However, I did say he/she should just go away. But hey, I say that in the "real" world. :)

    I enjoy times like this when we have to dig deep and really think about why we do what we do. It makes the journey enjoyable and makes me use my brain a little bit more. And heaven knows, I need to do that!

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    1. Gosh, yes, we all need to use our brains more! So this post is my little contribution towards staving off Alzheimer's. :)

      Thanks so much for commenting.

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  15. As usual, your words are eloquent (Secretly I am so jealous. :)) Here's what I think. I think there is a LOT to be said for being nice. We have enough adversity in life which we manage to find on our own. Why contribute more angst? And if you feel the need to promote yourself, your agenda or your opinion at someone else's expense, well I don't feel like that is anymore appropriate in writing than it is in 'real time', so to speak. I'm sure you've seen the quotation, "Because Nice Matters". It does. Yet, I find that, like Alpines, some folks are just disgruntled and they enjoy spreading it around. Very sad that. Life is much too short not to find the joy. The Goatmother can tell you there are a LOT of genuinely, sincerely NICE people out there. Thank Goatness for that! And with that, we borrow a quote from Teresa at Eden Hills:
    "Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities, remember things could be worse. You could be one of those people."-- Kathy Brown We don't know who Kathy Brown is, but we think she is one pretty sharp gal!

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    1. Thank you, Marigold. The approval of a goat means more to me than you can realize. After all, it's one thing to have humans compliment me - but to know that I am appreciated by a different species is very special. :)

      I've never seen the quotation "Because Nice Matters" - but am in complete agreement. Perhaps I have compounded "niceness" with "politeness" in this post - but it comes down to the same thing.

      Great quote from Kathy Brown! :)

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  16. Mrs. Micawber, first, I really enjoy calling you by this name, which is not your real one, but I understand it. Right? So I have no problem with having so many other people blogging under their nicknames and posting only all beautiful, cozy, bright... In fact, we don't have this much of it in our daily life, the life wouldn't be real then, it's not all about fun and beauty, so why not to have more of pretty things around, though they are virtual?
    Looking at the picture of your view I felt very good, I adored the colors of the sky and I thought of you, somewhere so far, taking this pic for us.. I believe you made it especially for all of us.

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    1. Thank you so much, Anna. I agree with everything you said. And although "Mrs. Micawber" isn't my real name, I have grown so fond of it that I almost wish it were.

      And yes, we need to enjoy all the beauty we can find. It makes life so much nicer. :)

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  17. What a wonderful post and a wonderful collection of comments to fully round out the thoughts entailed. Thank you, again, for putting your words here so we could enjoy and relish them.

    I still have not read the original post yet (I didn't want my thoughts here in this comment to be colored by the original post), but it's next on my list. Actually, in a new browser window waiting for me to finish here.

    My first thought when I saw this post on my reader (which was the day it came out, I believe, somewhere on the four-lane in between here and Grand Junction), I remembered my days as a professional journalist, and I wondered if the original poster suffered some of the same symptoms I've seen in so many professional journalists (or professionals in any field, for that matter). I have often wondered if being on a pedestal for too long causes one to forget what living in the real world is like. And I can say that because I spent 14 years on that very pedestal and then abandoned it precisely for that reason (as well as a couple of other REALLY good reasons).

    My second thought came as I lost signal and was unable to finish reading your post. I wondered if the "pro" blogger was/is jealous of the community so many bloggers enjoy because they are not out of touch with real life. (Hope to find the answer to that question when I read the original post.)

    When I read the comments on some of the "professional" sites I occasionally visit, I'm often struck by how superficial they seem, as well as sometimes arrogant, sometimes hostile, sometimes trolling, sometimes just completely from outer space. If that's the kinds of comments a writer consistently garners, some of the seemingly sugary-coated blog posts and comments out here in the "doing it for fun, connections and self-fulfillment" world might seem like something completely unattainable. Or perhaps fairy tale-ish. Not defending the as-of-yet unread post, but just trying to figure out why someone would even bother to say something so ugly about so many people, unless the desired result is a firestorm of comments and perhaps a few new readers...

    Hits count, you know. ;)

    Bottom line is something many of your commenters have expressed. We try to focus on the positive because it's an effective way of dealing with so much negative outside of this, our modern technology form of good-old-days pen pal that doesn't cost an 8-cent stamp to send!

    Once again, thank you for this thought-provoking post and for giving me something to hash over and over and over next time I can't sleep at night. Ha ha!

    Hmmm... Maybe I should have written my own post...

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    1. I love it when people leave really LONG comments like yours ... it shows that they are paying attention and thinking deeply about the issues at hand!

      Since I don't read any pro blogs that I know of (surely yours doesn't count, despite the fact that you do actually make money with photography?) I don't really know what they're like. And now I have even less of a desire to find out!

      I suppose we can all seem pretty pie-in-the-sky to hardened business-bloggers. Fine. We LIKE doing it our way. We're having fun, making great things and forging strong friendships, and, best of all, encouraging each other - money can't buy this. Isn't it wonderful? :)

      Thanks Deb.

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  18. Hello, this is first time visiting you and I've come over from the fabulous Annie at Knitso. I love your post and the sentiments in it. I agree with the niceness policy, it's one I advocate and employ myself (despite also having a very cutting sarcastic streak).

    Anyway, congratulations on your lovely site and I shall be subscribing from now on, so as not to miss out on your wise words in the future!

    S x

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    1. Thank you so much, Sandra. Gosh, I don't know how often I actually say anything "wise" - this is usually a lightweight sort of blog. But that comment over at Annie's just got my dander up. :)

      So glad you dropped in!

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